Time is a powerful thing. We can't stop it, speed it up, or slow it down. It consumes us. I'm not just talking about the literal sense where we as humans eat and sleep and go through the motions of time in our daily lives. We go to school for a set number of hours, go to work for a set number of hours, sleep for a set number of hours, etc. Time is so much more than what a clock measures.
"I just need time." We all just need some time now and then. But what does that mean? Well, to get really philosophical on you, Wikipedia defines time as "a dimension in which events can be ordered from the past though the present into the future, and also the measure of duration of events and the intervals between them." Oh Wiki, you so wise. So what are we asking for when we say we need time? The obvious answer is a longer duration. We talk about time like it's a tangible item. We use time for different things, and sometimes time flies. Sometimes it drags. Sometimes you wake up one day and wonder where time went. A tricky bastard, time can be.
People say time heals all wounds. Things take time. All in due time. Just in the nick of time. Time flies when you're having fun. Times, they are a changin. Time after time. Am I missing any? (And now Cyndi Lauper is in my head. Yeah, that's really how she spells her name).
People say grief takes time. They say that there are five stages of grief: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Time cannot define these stages for us. I can speak from experience when I tell you that some of these stages can last for years. Some people never make it through all five. And even if you do make it to Acceptance, it isn't the final stage. There are brief moments when time slips you back into the others, and you have to work through them all over again. When people tell you grief takes time, they don't tell you that each stage will steal time from you for the rest of your life. They only tell you to give yourself the time to feel it. But the truth is, you can't control how you handle time in a process like grief. Textbooks and studies make it sound like a methodical process, and it's as simple as taking the time for it. In reality, you can't control time in this process; time controls you.
Eventually, time allows you to heal. But what people don't really tell you is that time doesn't make anything easier - it just changes how you miss someone throughout your life. March 21, 2013 is the ninth anniversary of my sister's death. Missing her isn't any easier today than it was on that day nine years ago. When I was only 13, I lost the only person who really knew me. I lost that girl who cut all the hair off my barbies after promising me it would grow back, who bribed me to do her chores, who I stole Backstreet Boys CDs from. I lost that girl who protected me and fought with me and genuinely loved me. I lost that girl I watched get ready for dances looking so pretty, and who loved the boy who took her to prom. I lost that girl who told me stories about what high school would be like and how it felt to be in the "real" world. I never got to tell her how much I appreciated her. You don't really get there until you're adults. I didn't get that time.
It took about six years before I could share this with anyone without breaking down. I know personal stories make some people uncomfortable, but time has taught me that it can be therapeutic to share your experiences not only for yourself, but for those who haven't had enough time yet to understand everything really will be OK.
Life is crazy and beautiful and awful and wonderful and magical and sad all at the same time. No matter what struggles you're facing, I can promise you that you will be OK. It just may take a little time.
Dedicated to my sister, Kimberly. I hope you're still rockin' classy outfits like this one up there. <3
Just sending love and understanding. It cane fade, be subdued, become minimized by the rest of the things in our lives - but we never stop missing that special person. She loves you still, you know.
ReplyDelete